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Jun. 2nd, 2010 | 09:49 pm
mood: hopefulhopeful

My mood lately has been freakishly good recently. I think it might have something to do with nick. I guess i don't think too many people are going to end up reading this except for me so i suppose i don't have to be very secretive. I don't want to jump to quickly into things, but my initial impressions are awesome. He makes me feel like no one ever has. I'm still scared because of what happened with my last relationship, i just don't want to go through that pain again. In my past relationships i never felt like the other person cared about me nearly as much as i cared about them. I would always try so hard to get their attention for the few seconds that i actually felt like i had it, i was so exhausted from trying. With him he says the things to me that i am thinking about him. He says he wants to see me, he misses me, without me saying it to him first. The feelings are so surreal to me. I just want to lay with him and talk for ever, never ending.

He was here last night and we were laying together, nothing sexual, just being there. I recalled a line from a savage garden song, "i want to lay like this forever, until the sky falls down on me". I love coming up with lyrics that fit the moment and this one couldn't have been more perfect. I shared this with him and he didn't even know who savage garden was! FAIL! oh well, theres plenty of time to get him caught up.

He says things to me, that others have said, that i'm not fat, i'm not gross, all these crappy self images i have of myself. I've never believed anyone before, but he sounds honest. He is similar to me in that he is anxious and nervous a lot. Constantly over analyzing things playing out every possible scenario in his head. And its so strange to connect to someone like that. I've never had a conversation where someone is talking to me and i feel like they're reading the words right off the back of my forehead. We've been "dating" slightly over a week and decided last night to be "mutually exclusive". I'm not 100% sure what it meant, but to me it means we're slightly more than being just random dates, but without the fear of applying the "relationship" title to it. I don't want things to move to fast and damage what could be. There i go thinking about the worst again.

In the short time i've been seeing him, when i'm around him i never want him to leave, and when he has to go its almost a feeling of loss, that something was taken from me, even though i know that he'll be back, i'm already afraid to loose him. Seems over protective and over reacting, but i can't control how i feel, in fact trying to control how i feel is probably what put me in the ER last month. I'm going to let myself start feeling the way i feel and not try to cover it up or convince myself otherwise.

I also bought a salt lamp (no transition there lol). They are supposed to release positive energies into the air that can aid in lessening anxiety. I have been (whether because of the aforementioned subject) or because of the lamp, been falling asleep much easier, and laying down as a time for rest, and not a time for wide open worry about everything in the world. I hope things work out, for the short term, long term and beyond, for everyone.

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