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Jan. 13th, 2015 | 09:12 pm
mood: hornyhorny
music: YR1204 - ALS Rape

i was just listening to yeast radio episode 1204 while chomping down on several candy canes when i remembered that in my ambien haze last night i refound my old live journal.

I like candy canes, but i guess they are bad for your teeth. Have you ever noticed that teeth seem to be fine, and then ramp extremely quickly to YOU MUST DEAL WITH ME NOW kind of pain. So weird too because there are no emergency rooms for teeth.

Diddle is licking herself on the couch, making slerpy, nasty sounds. Slehoopp. Shhleeeepppouup.

I want to move to colorado.

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11th year post

Jan. 12th, 2015 | 08:40 pm
mood: discontentdiscontent
music: Savage Garden

I have no idea why, i recently just stumbled across my livejournal again. In fact i'm surprised it still exists. Going clear back to october 2004, over 10 years ago, i find that i'm still troubled by the same things today that i was back then. The scenes have changed slightly but some of the things still ring so true. I certainly hope i don't sound as immature now as i did back then but hell i probably do.

Idk why lately i have been thinking about 10 years. In particular. I guess its the first 2 digit "span of time" that really means anything in our strange numeric system. So much has happened over 10 years, yet it seems to have gone by so fast. So many mistakes, so many things i wish i would have done.

I don't know why i don't feel optimistic about the future. Theres nothing really stopping me from, well, (pause in train of thought), i don't know. Maybe i should do this more...hmm...

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Blowing out the dust

Jan. 2nd, 2011 | 11:50 pm

So tonight, i fired up the PC and opened up steam to try and play some games.
--complaint-- it appears my tab will skip when playing podcasts over a2dp and typing with the keyboard, it appears to be ok when listening to it over the speakers--
Anyway, i did get the pc up and running, and i must say that i hate windows, but no surprise there. I started steam updating which after a year of not being used, had a lot to do. So while it was doing that, i decided to fire up step mania. Oh man the memories that this brought back. I remember spending hours and hours playing stepmaina with matt in the basement of the dawes house. Such good times, and frankly i'm still pretty good at it lol.

I did get some CSS in, which was fun, not too much though because with the broken tail bone its hard for me to sit for very long, let alone concentrate on the screen that well. I did hook up the dell 30inch to play on, figure if i am spending that much money every month (for the next 100 years of my life, stupid idea), i might as well get some use out of it. I have a pretty good gaming machine that i bought last year as part of my mid-life crisis and nice to see that it plays games well, i really hope that this will be sommething i can continue doing as it really does bring me a lot of happy feelings.

Whats next, oh, today i switched over my podcasts from my phone to my tablet. The droid pro has basically 1 flaw, audio play back is not so great, it seems to skip around a lot and i have read that this is a known issue. So i hope they fix that in a software upgrade. otherwise the phone is amazing. But the tab, oh my i love this thing! Its amazing! There really isn't anything i can't do on it. And the battery life is awesome. I tether it up to my droid for on the go internet, and works great.

But i installed the latest beyond pod, which is my podcatcher of choice for android, and loaded all my podcast feeds on there, and downloaded them. I already use the tab for my video podcasts, which i actually watch half time on the screen on the tab, and half time on the tv using the tv out on the tab, which is also awesome. I can't wait for the netflix and hulu apps for android to come out so i can truely get rid of my laptop. I have been thinking of selling it any how, and either saving the money, or buying a new macbook air. But so far i just love how i can use the tab for everything, including long typing with this keyboard dock.

I decided a few weeks ago that i was going to start carrying a backpack everywhere with me. I started out using my small lunch bag that i carry to work, but then decided that i wanted to carry more stuff around than that. So i bought this backpack that looks like a ninja turtle shell! ITS CUTER THAN HECK. It might look a little childish or cutsey, but thats probably why i bought it. So i carry the tab with me everywhere i go, and honestly its like having my laptop with me. I do wish that i could afford to have a data plan right on the device, which would make for easier data than doing the whole tether bit, but i also carry my 8 watt-hour portable battery with me too, so i can charge the droid while tethering, or any other device that i see fit.

I think when it starts to get warmer out i'm going to put that motorolla a2dp converter that i have in my car so that when i get in it my tab can transfer the audio wirelessly and i wont' have to plug in the 3.5mm jack. I have read they make a mounting dock for this, which might also be something i'll look into as well.

You know i had the ipad and after the initial oooh its so cool factor wore off, i really didn't use it. But the tab on the other hand i think is just the right size for all of the things i want to do. I use it at work to view pdf docs and edit things on google docs, i read my nook books, i do all my email and web surfing on it, i watch my video podcasts, i even do text messaging on it with google voice. I can even do phone calls over wifi. Its really an amazing device, and it isn't so huge that its annoying to carry around like the ipad was.

I would like to get a 32GB sd card for it as i would like to put a few more movies on it. I have everything that i "needed" on it with about 1.5 gb to spare for pictures, new apps, etc, but i would like a few more. I would also like to get an older mac mini that i can put team viewer on for more advanced tasks. viewing a remote desktop on the 7inch display is really quite a treat. I really think that samsung did it good with this device, i have yet to have a single problem with it, and with it working with all the regular android apps, it really is quite versitile.

I have to write that i did get into a fight with nick tonight about some issues that we have had for the majority of our time together, though 7 months in, i think that we get more out of the fights than we did at first, now knowing that there is less chance of the other person just "giving up' when we bring out concerns. I would like to have a "non-fighting" relationship, but i don't think i have ever had one of those, and would probably be worried if i did, as i can see that causing a lot of issues further down the line.

Well i guess thats all i really wanted to write for tonight, pretty proud of myself that i have been writing in here a few times a week. Weather is starting to get bitter, down in the single digits at night, but the space heater in my bed room seems to work ok, but is using a lot of electricity. We'll see, maybe next year if i'm still at this apartment i'll try something different, but the heated matress pad has to be the best money i've spent in a long time!

Well thanks for reading along with me, and will catch ya later.

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Follow up.

Dec. 29th, 2010 | 11:44 pm

So i went back to the dr's today for a follow up to my fall. They said that another week of half days at work as well as a slew of new medicines to try. I am on 6 different types of pills now, and all of this because i fell on the stairs. Sheesh.

Luckily my work is being really good about it, considering it was on company property, but still, i don't feel like they're being jerks about it like verizon was when the door slammed my shoulder. It really is pretty impressive how some companies handle themselves when things go wrong.

What i think upset me most is how verizon claims to be so amazing and great, they're so fabulous to work for and take such good care of their employees. what a crock of bullshit.

Can you believe i haven't work there in almost a year and i still get pissed about them? I mean if that tells you anything about the company, awful. Some people i know are still working there, much longer than me, and to them, idk what to say, other than you're going to be fucked up for a long time.

Well enough vzw rants. I have been having some trouble sleeping lately, probably due to the mixture of meds, pain, and anxiety about returning to work. Apparently in the state of nebraska workers comp is only required to pay 66% of wages for missed work due to a work related injury. What a load of shit eh?

But it is nice to know that all this isn't going unpaid, but will probably need to dip into reserves a bit for this month, and i hope my recovery comes quicker than its started out. Its pretty amazing how long it takes to heal a bone, even one as seemingly insignificant as the coccyx.

I also feel like my sleep schedule is busted, i have been staying up later due to not being able to fall asleep, plus with the many days last week i had off work, plus my 2 late days this week, and will probably be staying up later than usual over the holidays, i'm sure next week will not be pleasant with all these new meds plus trying to get back to a regular sleep schedule.

Id rather none of this had happened, i have had some people comment that i'm getting lots of time off work, but that is actually more stressful to me, not only because i'm home in pain, but because stuff is piling up at work for what is a really busy time for me and i'm having to deal with it all on a much more time restricted basis. But i think that hopfully by another week of babying it, i should be back to some what normal. Again, i hope. Positive thoughts.

Well i suppose thats plenty for now, as i down my final pill for the evening, i wish you a good night.

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Dec. 27th, 2010 | 01:30 pm

I can't remember if i wrote about my broken coxxyc in my last post. But almost a week and and a half ago i did. I fell down some stairs at work. ow. I went to urgent care that day, and they diagnosed me with the broken coxxyc or tail bone. They said i would be laid up for quite some time, and although in pain, i didn't think i would be, boy was i wrong.

I returned to work friday morning, and tried to sit, and it just wasn't happening, not to mention that i was on a high dose of narcotics for the pain. So at this point i decided i would have to go home as sitting is what i do all day.

I stayed home friday, missed the company christmas party, and lost out on my 100 dollars. Which really pissed me off, i missed the gift exchange, i missed the expensive free dinner, the free drinks, and the night gambling, and the free hotel room. SHIT!

So i couldn't return to work monday or tuesday either, in fact i couldn't even get out of bed. I can't lay on my back, because that puts pressure on the bone, i can't lay on my stomach, same issue. So i am stuck laying on my side. So this makes my thighs hurt, what a life.

I have an important meeting on wednesday so i show up for work, still not ready to return, but completed the meeting and went home a few hours earlier than normal. I struggled through christmas, in lots of pain, being unable to really sit for more than 5 minutes at a time, it was awful. Carrying around my round yellow doughnut to sit on, was also a pain.

So then comes monday, which after my follow up on thursday, i was instructed to return to work only part time, and sit for no more than 2 hours total in the half day. So i went to work today, gritted through the pain on my other pain meds. I decided that i didnt' like the way the narcotics were messing with my mind, so they put me on a non narcotic but its pain releife is nothing compared to the norcor.

Noon time comes and i go home, i forgot my fucking doughnut at work, and i try to park out front so i don't have to walk the 7 blocks back to work, but i can't find a fucking parking spot! I hate lincoln downtown. Ugh.

So now i am home, day one of the last week of the year done, with 3 more days of half days to come, with another follow up appointment on thursday. Yay.

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New present!

Dec. 24th, 2010 | 03:58 pm

So today for christmas i got the keyboard dock for my galaxy tab. AWESOME! Nick bought me the dock with the HDMI cable but for some reason it wasn't working too well with my tv, so i took those back and exchanged for this, which is actually what i wanted the most ;)

So now i'm typing on it and its really nice. The keys are just the right size and it holds the tab very sturdy in the upright position. I can easily see this replacing my laptop now. As i have no need for it! It does give an audio out, so you could even plug in regular computer speakers into the back of it that would be plugged in automatically every time you docked it. it also has the regular out port, so next i will test how this works sending a video signal to my monitor, might even be able to use it that way too!

There has been rumor that bluetooth HID devices should work soon as well, which would allow me to hook up a bluetooth mouse and then have a cursor on the screen, how freaking amazing would that be?! I could have a bluetooth keyboard and mouse and then possibily be the HDMI dock back to mount it that way as well... Time will tell but the ultimate story is that i freaking love this thing. it has taken over all of my entertainment, work, and social life. I don't use my phone much for anything but texting and using it as a wifi router for the tab, i can't see paying 35 bucks a month for 3 gigs on the tab when i can wifi tether for unlimited for 29.99

Well i just wanted to type up a post real quick to let everyone and myself know how happy i am at this moment, merry christmas!!!

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Dec. 21st, 2010 | 04:40 pm

So i realize that a lot of times i say that i want to keep writing in here to express things about my life. But it seems like no matter how for sure i am about continuing i just don't. Its kind of like taking pitures, i love to take pictures and look back on them, but recently i just haven't been taking very many pictures, i have all but abandoned my photobucket, and just kinda got too busy for it.

I feel that whats going to happen with this is i will regret it in the future where these times i'm having right now go unremembered. Which is sad to think about.

I'm sitting here in bed listening to Dan Savage and trying to recover from a broken coccyx. My cable was recently shut off (my doing) and i ran out of anything to do. I hope to be returning to work tomorrow, and most likely just deal with all the pain its going to cause. Christmas is coming soon, and it seems like the times where i start writing here again appear to be in the winter time, not sure what it is about this time of year that makes me what to write down my feelings.

I'm sitting here on my Galaxy Tab writing this and there is some lady on the podcast talking about work shops for gay men. i have no idea what she is talking about, diddle is laying down by my legs (where she has been all week), cleaning herself. Nicky wont' be home from work for a few more hours so i'm taking so time to reflect on things.

I can't easily look back on the previous post that i made on here, but i think it was right at the point where i was trying to get over my anxiety. I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now, and lately our meetings have been more spaced out, and seem less productive when they do happen. I'm not sure there is much else that she can do for me.

I'm a little concerned about whats going to happen at work tomorrow, i could go into what happened, but i got hurt at work and had to take some time off. They informed me that i would have to use my PTO first, and then would probably go unpaid after that but they would file a FMLA to make sure my job was secured. So i'm not 100% sure what to expect.

In any event, this year has been pretty shitty but then pretty good at the same time. I guess we can always focus on the bad things that happen to us, but if anything i learned from Dr Wall, its those bad feelings that make me feel like shit all the time, though the bad times are the easiest to remember.

Well i suppose thats all i have to write for now, maybe i'll update some more here for my own good, maybe not.

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(no subject)

Jun. 2nd, 2010 | 09:49 pm
mood: hopefulhopeful

My mood lately has been freakishly good recently. I think it might have something to do with nick. I guess i don't think too many people are going to end up reading this except for me so i suppose i don't have to be very secretive. I don't want to jump to quickly into things, but my initial impressions are awesome. He makes me feel like no one ever has. I'm still scared because of what happened with my last relationship, i just don't want to go through that pain again. In my past relationships i never felt like the other person cared about me nearly as much as i cared about them. I would always try so hard to get their attention for the few seconds that i actually felt like i had it, i was so exhausted from trying. With him he says the things to me that i am thinking about him. He says he wants to see me, he misses me, without me saying it to him first. The feelings are so surreal to me. I just want to lay with him and talk for ever, never ending.

He was here last night and we were laying together, nothing sexual, just being there. I recalled a line from a savage garden song, "i want to lay like this forever, until the sky falls down on me". I love coming up with lyrics that fit the moment and this one couldn't have been more perfect. I shared this with him and he didn't even know who savage garden was! FAIL! oh well, theres plenty of time to get him caught up.

He says things to me, that others have said, that i'm not fat, i'm not gross, all these crappy self images i have of myself. I've never believed anyone before, but he sounds honest. He is similar to me in that he is anxious and nervous a lot. Constantly over analyzing things playing out every possible scenario in his head. And its so strange to connect to someone like that. I've never had a conversation where someone is talking to me and i feel like they're reading the words right off the back of my forehead. We've been "dating" slightly over a week and decided last night to be "mutually exclusive". I'm not 100% sure what it meant, but to me it means we're slightly more than being just random dates, but without the fear of applying the "relationship" title to it. I don't want things to move to fast and damage what could be. There i go thinking about the worst again.

In the short time i've been seeing him, when i'm around him i never want him to leave, and when he has to go its almost a feeling of loss, that something was taken from me, even though i know that he'll be back, i'm already afraid to loose him. Seems over protective and over reacting, but i can't control how i feel, in fact trying to control how i feel is probably what put me in the ER last month. I'm going to let myself start feeling the way i feel and not try to cover it up or convince myself otherwise.

I also bought a salt lamp (no transition there lol). They are supposed to release positive energies into the air that can aid in lessening anxiety. I have been (whether because of the aforementioned subject) or because of the lamp, been falling asleep much easier, and laying down as a time for rest, and not a time for wide open worry about everything in the world. I hope things work out, for the short term, long term and beyond, for everyone.

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(no subject)

May. 18th, 2010 | 09:45 pm
mood: aggravatedaggravated
music: MacBreak Weekly

I'm just not in the mood tonight, maybe tomorrow.

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(no subject)

May. 18th, 2010 | 09:58 am

testing from my phone. just in case there is something that I need to jot down quickly.

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