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May. 17th, 2010 | 09:40 pm
location: United States, Nebraska, Lincoln
mood: calmcalm
music: Space heater, in the middle of may.

It has been a really, really long time. Life has changed and it is also exactly the same. I'm older now, not much wiser. I've learned from mistakes and still have so much more learning to go. I'm attempting to be poetic and am failing! So i look back at the last post, 2008, thats crazy. Thinking back to 2008 so much is different now and i'm yet again stuck in this constant cycle of life that is, wishing i was back where i used to be. It feels like the more i move forward, the more i look back and wish it was "those" times again, "those" times in which were awful, that during "those" times i wanted nothing more than the future, nothing more than to be done with "those" times. Now i'm here and i want nothing more than to go back to "those" times. But it cannot be. I cannot go back to those times. I can think about them, remind myself of how things used to be, maybe look at some old pictures, read some old journal entries, look at things acquired then and just remember.

Recently i have been going through some things that i would have never thought would have jumped out in front of me. Going to the ER twice, being diagnosed with a mental illness (anxiety), going through a relationship breakup that nearly killed me, turning into a real adult with real adult problems. I've been on mind altering medications, still have the power to make the choice to stop them. Taken on debt, regretted it. Moving out of my parents house, moving out of my first apartment. Changing jobs, taking a huge pay decrease. Quitting school, never finishing. So many things i regret, so many things i wish i could do over again, so many things, i never want to do again.

I feel that before when i used to write in here it was for other people to see, maybe look back on it years later and remember what life was like, but since deciding medication isn't for me, i think that i'm going to start using this as an outpost for me. For myself. Taking the time to just write down some of the thoughts, maybe stop them from flying around in my head and worrying that one of them might shoot out right through my fucking skull at any second. It won't be pretty, because i'm pretty twisted. It might at times be entertaining, or tragic. But i feel like i have no one to talk to, no where to go, i'm at a stand still of "who the fuck knows what is coming next" and "who the fuck cares".

I'm worried about things, but this is nothing new. The only thing new about it is its ability to manifest itself into pain that makes me feel like i'm going to die, it puts my entire life on the line, and its all in my head. Life will go on, you can't continue to live your life in fear of tomorrow, worry of tomorrow. I need to start living for today, enjoying what i have today, because in the future, this time, right now, will be the time i want to come back to. Its the way it works. I'm reminded of, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Depends on how you look at it.

Right now i'm ok, enough money in the bank to cover the bills (for now), enough strength to try to go on, but still way too much doubt in my mind, way too much unhappiness and it has to get better. I'm done for tonight, join me next time, please?

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