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May. 17th, 2010 | 09:40 pm
location: United States, Nebraska, Lincoln
mood: calmcalm
music: Space heater, in the middle of may.

It has been a really, really long time. Life has changed and it is also exactly the same. I'm older now, not much wiser. I've learned from mistakes and still have so much more learning to go. I'm attempting to be poetic and am failing! So i look back at the last post, 2008, thats crazy. Thinking back to 2008 so much is different now and i'm yet again stuck in this constant cycle of life that is, wishing i was back where i used to be. It feels like the more i move forward, the more i look back and wish it was "those" times again, "those" times in which were awful, that during "those" times i wanted nothing more than the future, nothing more than to be done with "those" times. Now i'm here and i want nothing more than to go back to "those" times. But it cannot be. I cannot go back to those times. I can think about them, remind myself of how things used to be, maybe look at some old pictures, read some old journal entries, look at things acquired then and just remember.

Recently i have been going through some things that i would have never thought would have jumped out in front of me. Going to the ER twice, being diagnosed with a mental illness (anxiety), going through a relationship breakup that nearly killed me, turning into a real adult with real adult problems. I've been on mind altering medications, still have the power to make the choice to stop them. Taken on debt, regretted it. Moving out of my parents house, moving out of my first apartment. Changing jobs, taking a huge pay decrease. Quitting school, never finishing. So many things i regret, so many things i wish i could do over again, so many things, i never want to do again.

I feel that before when i used to write in here it was for other people to see, maybe look back on it years later and remember what life was like, but since deciding medication isn't for me, i think that i'm going to start using this as an outpost for me. For myself. Taking the time to just write down some of the thoughts, maybe stop them from flying around in my head and worrying that one of them might shoot out right through my fucking skull at any second. It won't be pretty, because i'm pretty twisted. It might at times be entertaining, or tragic. But i feel like i have no one to talk to, no where to go, i'm at a stand still of "who the fuck knows what is coming next" and "who the fuck cares".

I'm worried about things, but this is nothing new. The only thing new about it is its ability to manifest itself into pain that makes me feel like i'm going to die, it puts my entire life on the line, and its all in my head. Life will go on, you can't continue to live your life in fear of tomorrow, worry of tomorrow. I need to start living for today, enjoying what i have today, because in the future, this time, right now, will be the time i want to come back to. Its the way it works. I'm reminded of, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Depends on how you look at it.

Right now i'm ok, enough money in the bank to cover the bills (for now), enough strength to try to go on, but still way too much doubt in my mind, way too much unhappiness and it has to get better. I'm done for tonight, join me next time, please?

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Nov. 11th, 2008 | 10:34 am
location: 40.837692, -96.668198

Meat. Meat is a sensitive subject. It tastes great but comes with such great concequences. Take the environment for example, your health, the animals health. The list goes in and on and is quite scary. I went on an adventure of vegetarian/began about a year ago in an effort to loose wright and become more healthy. A about a month ago I started introducing meat back into my diet because I felt that I was not getting enough protines. Well in that short month I have gained nearly 5 pounds and the game is over. I have proven to myself once and for all meat is not healthy and makes people fat. That's all I have for today. I'm going back to a meat free life. May you do the same, for your healths sake.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


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Jun. 17th, 2008 | 10:12 pm

Been awhile! I've done a few rides, but haven't had time to upload them. Luckily my garmin edge 305 keeps track up up to 100 rides (i think), so i've got all the information ready to go! I started a new job with Verizon Wireless, so i've been pretty busy. I'm working 10-7 right now, which leaves some time at night to do a ride. After 5 weeks, i'll be 12-9, which will probably leave not much time in the evening to go riding, so i might have to cut back to weekends, and getting a trainer tire and rim. We'll see! So here are the past 4 rides, oldest first. There is a speed record in here, 40.4 MPH, WHOA!

Distance: 15.65mi
Total Time: 1:15:41
Avg Pace: 4:50/mi
Avg Spd: 12.4mph
Max Spd: 23.1mph
Calories: 1056
Avg HR: 149bpm
Max HR: 183bpm
Avg Cadence: 81rpm

Distance: 10.31mi
Total Time: 52:31
Avg Pace: 5:06/mi
Avg Spd: 11.7mph
Max Spd: 40.4mph
Calories: 714
Avg HR: 152bpm
Max HR: 197bpm
Avg Cadence: 81rpm

Distance: 14.45mi
Total Time: 1:01:14
Avg Pace: 4:14/mi
Avg Spd: 14.2mph
Max Spd: 22mph
Calories: 993
Avg HR: 154bpm
Max HR: 180bpm
Avg Cadence: 86rpm

Distance: 8.28mi
Total Time: 37:50
Avg Pace: 4:34/mi
Avg Spd: 13.1mph
Max Spd: 26.6mph
Calories: 563
Avg HR: 164bpm
Max HR: 196bpm
Avg Cadence: 84rpm

Total ODO: 304.59mi

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Distance Achievement Unlocked!

Jun. 1st, 2008 | 06:11 pm
mood: draineddrained

Hit the 20 mile mark today. Quite a feeling. We took off from antelope park, headed clear to the end of that trail, back tracked to the blues trail (thats what i call it, as blues bike shop is on there, who knows what its really called), had them do a quick look at my bike, then we took back to antelope park. Then from there we took off onto the holmes lake trail. Also hit a speed record today, lots of records! It was also pretty damn hot today, about 90 degrees and sunny when we were out, yeesh! Good way to start off June!

Distance: 20.04mi
Total Time: 1:35:51
Pause Time: 00:18:35
Avg Pace: 04:47/mi
Avg Spd: 12.5mph
Max Spd: 32.5mph
Calories: 1385
Avg HR: 158bpm
Max HR: 198bpm
Avg Cadence: 81rpm
Odo: 255.99


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May. 30th, 2008 | 07:26 pm
mood: accomplishedaccomplished

Today's ride was weird. I was really gung ho, went pretty dang fast, and i felt/feel really good. Looking forward to a good weekend.

Total Distance: 13.89mi
Ride Time: 1:02:49
Pause Time: 00:07:06
Avg Spd: 13.3mph
Max Spd: 22.3mph
Calories: 953
Avg HR: 162bpm
MAX HR: 187bpm
Avg Cadence: 81rpm
ODO: 235.95


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Trainer Ride

May. 28th, 2008 | 09:54 pm

Tonight i road the trainer, was too cold to go out. Some kids, whos parents are probably drug dealers or something, came up to the garage door and just stared and pointed at me. If i had something to throw at them, i would have. Fucking bastards. My top speed is alittle screwed i think. The monitor does a decent job, but i'm not sure what the super high spike was...

Total Distance: 7.69mi
Total Ride Time: 30:10
Avg Pace: 3:55/mi
Avg Spd: 15.4mph
Max Spd: 69.1mph
Calories: 544
Avg HR: 141bpm
Max HR: 171bpm
Avg Cadence: 74rpm
Odo: 222.06

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Long and Slow

May. 26th, 2008 | 08:25 pm
mood: tiredtired

Went on a ride today with matt, my mom and her boyfriend steven. They road SO SLLLLOOW. Oh jeez i thought i was going to die. Anyway, i bought a new bike pump for tires, some new socks, a pair of bike shorts and a new larger camelback.

I think i sun burned my arms too :(

Distance: 16.17mi
Ride Time: 1:40:39
Pause Time: 0:28:43
Avg Pace: 6.13/mi
Avg Spd: 9.6 MPH (told you)
Max Spd: 26.5 MPH
Calories: 1212
Avg HR: 135 BPM
Max HR: 197 BPM
Avg Cadence: 73 RPM
Odo: 214.37


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Speed Record!

May. 25th, 2008 | 10:39 pm
mood: hothot

Wow todays ride was tough! It was windy as hell, and we tried out the highland trail today. There are upwards of 7 or 8% grades all over the place, my numbers don't show it, but man i was sweating and working my ass off.

Also! I got a new speed record for me, 31.7 mph. I was booking it, was doing about 103 RPM in my lowest gear, what fun!

Total Distance: 9.09 mi
Ride Time: 50:52
Pause Time: 15:23
Avg Pace: 5:35/mi
Avg Spd: 10.7 mph
Max Spd: 31.7 mph
Calories: 573 (What?!)
Avg HR: 145 BPM
Max HR: 191 BPM
Avg Cadence: 74 RPM
ODO: 198.20


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WOW! Wind!

May. 24th, 2008 | 05:53 pm
mood: tiredtired

Got my cadence sensor today, so that will be another stat added to these posts. Cadence is basically RPM for my legs. I guess 70 to 100 is "optimal" 100 rpm is friken fast! I was averaging about 78, which seems to be a pretty brisk pace. But it was so windy today, our speed suffered, we were in it going out, then it shifted, and we were in it coming back! Its supposed to storm coming up here, but we got out while it was still dry, all in all a pretty good run.

Distance: 13.01mi
Ride Time: 1:15:17
Pause Time: 00:10:17
Avg Pace: 5:47/mi
Avg Spd: 10.4 mph
Max Spd: 19.5 mph
Calories: 819
Avg HR: 151 bpm
Max HR: 191 bpm
Avg Cadence: 78 rpm
Odo: 189.11


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I got it! (I'll tell ya'll what this means some time)

May. 21st, 2008 | 08:44 pm

It was an ok day today. Left work early to make up for all the time that i been spending there after hours. Went to school, then went for a ride. It was an easy ride back, my back was hurting, but then i picked it up and finished quickly.

Distance: 12.91mi
ODO: 176.10mi
Ride Time: 1:04:41
Pause Time: 00:06:04
Avg Pace: 05:00/mi
Avg Spd: 12 mph
Max Spd: 21.1 mph
Calories: 783
Avg HR: 142bpm
Max HR: 166bpm


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